The Emotional Stages of Divorce

Marriages do not break up overnight. There is not one incident or one party that ends a marriage. Your emotional break up usually extends over several years with the marriage parties continually at different stages in the emotional process.

Just remember,” no marriage is totally bad nor totally good!” Do not go fault finding!  Both partners stay in a marriage for a longer period of time because there are good things about it. Now the couple is divorcing because the “bad” things make the marriage not work anymore.

A divorce survey by Slater and Gordon Law Firm (survey of 1000 divorced people) came out with some very interesting results:

• The average person will spend about 2 years thinking about a divorce before they file.
• During this time the average person spends 18 months really trying to fix their marriage and working to save it.
• 76% try to fix their marriage problems before deciding on a divorce
• 53% discuss divorce with someone besides their spouse before filing
• 36% spoke with an attorney before deciding on a divorce

What are the emotional stages a couple will experience leading up to a divorce?

1. Disillusionment of one / two marriage partners ( not verbalized to other partner)

• Continued, ongoing feelings of discontent, pent up resentments and breach of trust
• Emotional feelings of anxiety, anger, denial, depression ,fear, grief, guilt ,and  love
• Real problem but unacknowledged
• Developing greater distance, lack of mutuality, and increase in arguments
• Consideration of pros and cons of possible divorce and/or separation

2. Verbalized Dissatisfaction ( no legal action yet)

• Feelings of anguish, doubt, emotional, grief, guilt, relief, and tension after expression of discontent is now in the open!
• Marriage counseling and giving “one last try” for the marriage

3. Decision to Divorce ( no legal action yet)

• Feelings of anger, anxiety of the future, guilt, resentment, and sadness
• Other partner now in emotional stage one and both parties feeling victimized by each other.
• Realizes this decision is usually not reversible

Divorce Decision Action (the legal process begins)

• Feelings of anger, blame, shame, fear, and guilt
• Emotional and physical separation
• Going public with decision to family and friends
• Dealing with the “Children Problem”. No way around this one.
• Hiring an attorney and start the divorce process

4. Acceptance of Divorce / Single Life ( during the legal process or after)

• Many life adjustments: emotional, mental, and physical
• Realization that the marriage was not fulfilling or happy
• Dealing with your children and helping them to understand they are loved and did not cause the end of the marriage
• Work on developing the “new single you”, new identity and a plan for the future!

This emotional roller-coaster may take years to complete, but keep focused and you will get through it.  Surround yourself with competent legal professionals who will help you through this life changing event.

Just remember this: the divorce emotional stages are a normal occurrence when going through a divorce.  Outside of a death, divorce is one of the most life changing events in an individual’s life.  This list is very basic and you will probably add many other emotions on to the list You are not alone. It is a grieving process and you will recover.