Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches), Part IV
Communication Traps and Client Myths
Even in the best of circumstances, the divorce process is an emotionally traumatic event which gives rise to several myths to be recognized and avoided during the tenure of a divorce. A non-exclusive list of pitfalls to avoid include the following:
- A husband or wife should take great care to address their feelings directly as to what is occurring and avoid projecting those feelings on to others, especially with regard to family, friends, attorneys, counselors and others involved in the process. Spouses should take great care to remember that they are not married to their counselors or legal representatives, but it is very easy and emotionally convenient to feel “all of this money I am losing and all of these fees and pain are my lawyer’s fault” or “the opposing lawyer’s fault.” Certainly, as with all occupations, trades or work, there are some disreputable attorneys who will exploit an emotional trauma for gain. By and large, however, extensive expensive divorces at some point inevitably result from the lack of emotional acceptance of the spouses of the process, their own feelings, and the simple truth that a good deal of pain and grief must be dealt with before the matter may be concluded.
- “Life can remain stable and normal during a divorce.” In some rare cases and to some degree this can happen. However, in the vast majority of divorces, failure to address the pain and grief inevitable in divorce will only repress the truth of what is occurring and the grief and pain will return at some time in the future. A more constructive approach is to directly address one’s feelings, pain, and dissolution of the property estate as fully as possible during the process. Psychological counseling is extremely productive during this process.
- “I just want it over!” “I just want out!” Issues that are not fully resolved in the divorce process will return. Denial results in post-divorce modifications, post-divorce custody suits and post-divorce clarification proceedings which frequently are more expensive in attorney’s fees and lost time from employment than what the total amount of the cost of the divorce would have been had these issues been directly addressed and resolved.
- “I want to take him/her to the cleaners!” This approach denies basic law of dissolution and is an unscrupulous lawyer’s dream come true. In truth, there are no victors in a divorce. Regardless of the facts or egregious circumstances, there are no winners. If the emotional aspects of a divorce are addressed properly and therapeutically and if acceptance of the dissolution occurs quickly, there may however be survivors, not the least of which are the children of the marriage.
- “It was all my fault.” There are many divorces where fault is substantially placed, and should be placed, on one of the spouses. However, in the vast majority of divorce cases, the simple truth is both spouses share in the blame, not the least of which was the original decision (poor judgment) to enter into a relationship that may have been doomed form the beginning. Denial of this type results in poor decision making regarding placement of the children, possession periods, the amount of child support and other issues which inevitably arise again in the future resulting in attorney’s fees and expenses well in excess of what they would have been if true feelings had been dealt with at the time of the original divorce.
It has been this writer’s experience that, but for extremely rare exceptions, anxiety and/or depression will occur while the grief reaction runs its course. If the spouses have accepted the emotional divorce, the result is frequently depression. However, depression can be dealt with clinically and with medication. Depression while dehabilitating will pass in time as the grief reaction runs its course and with the help of coping skills learned or used to expedite the process. If the parties have not accepted the emotional divorce, the inevitable result is chronic and habitual anxiety. Anxiety is the killer. It has no beginning and no end and undermines the real issues in the divorce, working with the children for an understanding transition, employment and other life needs and beliefs. With proper acceptance, guidance and counseling, although there can be no winners, there certainly can be survivors and a relative fresh start. A broken home, free of depression and anxiety where the children understand that they have not been divorced but are in a new environment where they have two loving homes free of anxiety and depression, is infinitely better, healthier and more productive to their development and self-actualization as they become adults than a chronic anxiety-filled life wherein two spouses contaminate the nuclear relationship with denial, anxiety and discontent.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Law office of Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas – Fort Worth Metroplex area for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690-3333
Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches) Part III
Psychological Impact Of Marital Dissolution On The Nuclear Family – or
Divorce Wars/Legal Strategies and Myths
The cost, effectiveness, pain, and complexity of a divorce is frequently directly related to that point in time in which the man and woman accept an emotional divorce. Generally, the divorce commences at the time of the filing of the petitioner’s original petition and ends, absent appeal, thirty days following the entry of a final judgment of divorce. The emotional divorce, however, may occur prior to the commencement of the action, during the commencement of the action, or following entry of a final judgment. Likewise, the emotional divorce may be accepted prior to the commencement of the action, following the filing of the original petition or after entry of a final judgment. Although there are a number of cases in which fault primarily rests with one spouse, experience has shown that emotional acceptance, in the vast majority of divorce cases, can only occur when both husband and wife accept partial fault. In other words, at the core of all marital disputes is the unrecognized and repressed reality that both parties may have made a poor judgment in electing to commence the marital compact in the first place.
Absent adult and real emotional acceptance of some level of partial responsibility for failed judgment, divorce wars can evolve primarily to establish who is “wrong” or “responsible” or “at fault” and generally lead to higher costs, attorney’s fees, expense, expert fees and other strategical expenses necessary to fully put forward the position of the client. The ammunition employed by the attorney on behalf of the client is available from a number of categories, including temporary and, in some cases, post-divorce alimony, asset distribution, asset allocation, child support, possession periods with the children, holidays with the children, payment of attorney’s fees, depositions, document discovery and analysis, psychological evaluations, drug testing, etc.
If, in fact, the emotional acceptance of the dissolution has occurred prior to or relatively near commencement of the divorce proceeding, it is much simpler and emotionally constructive to address the underlying core issues in the divorce more quickly and effectively. Those issues in a relationship with children, blended or otherwise, should and frequently do in an acceptance situation, revolve around the best interest of the children and the constructive approach to an adult respectful resolution that takes into account the future stability and workability of the husband and wife and particularly the children to a relationship. Frequently, the key to a quick, more cost effective and therapeutic result is the employment of qualified counselors to aid the parties on this very difficult and complicated road that must be walked prior to commencing a different life following dissolution. When there are children involved, the sooner the parties recognize that though they may divorce one another they are not divorcing their children, the sooner the recovery process can begin. Regardless of fault, responsibility or other adversarial issues, for both husband and wife, there will be future soccer games, T-ball games, graduations, marriages, funerals, reunions and other social events which in all reasonable probability, they will both be in attendance. So long as both spouses place the best interests of the child above their own best interest, in a large majority of the cases, regardless of who is at fault, a reasonable and cost effective result may be expeditiously accomplished.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
>Law office of Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas – Fort Worth Metroplex area for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690-3333
Supervised Visitation – Part II
I Have Been Ordered Into Supervised Visitation With My Child –
Is it Possible to Return to a Standard Possession Order?
In a perfect world, parents going through the divorce process work together for the best interest of their child(ren) and are allowed possession of the child(ren) approximately fifty percent of the time. However, issues such as drug addiction, mental or physical abuse, neglect, and severe mental illness may force a parent to petition the courts to order limited or supervised visitation. On rare occasions, a parent is regrettably ordered into supervised visitation due to false or misleading information. Regardless of the circumstances, court ordered supervised visitation is costly, may substantially limit the amount of time a parent is allowed to spend with their child, and can create a difficult transition into a standard possession order.
If the court has ordered supervised visitation, seek proper counsel from a qualified attorney. If a case, rightly or wrongly, has been established for supervised visitation by the evidence or circumstances or court order, you will need to build a case for standard or standard expanded possession.
During a supervised visit it is imperative that you keep any comments on the case to yourself. Avoid giving any opinions on the existing judgment or the supervised visitation order. Within reason, limit your conversation to what is strictly necessary for the child to have a safe, happy and healthy visit. Be polite and courteous with the monitor even if you develop strong negative feelings regarding him or her. Continue to enforce the importance of seeing your child and spending quality time with your child whenever possible. Never, under any circumstances, talk negative about the other parent to or in the presence of the child or the monitor. Never, use vulgar or abusive language toward or in the presence of the child or the monitor. The visitation monitor may be an important asset at future hearings regarding a change from supervised visitation to a standard or expanded possession order.
Make every scheduled visit without fail. If unable to make a scheduled visit, contact the monitor as soon in advance as possible with an appropriate explanation and request an alternative date. Bring family members whenever possible and clear it with the visitation monitor prior to their attendance. Bring cards and gifts, not only from you but from family members. If visits are going well, request off-site visits at a nearby restaurant or park. Though visits may be costly, the more frequent you are observed in a loving relationship with your child, the better the chance of supervised visitation being suspended.
Involve a psychiatrist or qualified counselor in your visitation schedule if at all possible. Such professionals are key as you begin to build your case for standard possession since they are able to make suggestions to the Court as to how visits are progressing and the manner in which standard possession can be accomplished.
If you have been ordered to have drug or alcohol testing performed, take each test as scheduled and make certain you are free of drugs and alcohol. A positive drug or alcohol test may place you back at square one and undermine your progress.
If a social study is ordered, dispose of any prescription drugs not needed or which are out of date and put away any alcohol in your home. Make certain your home is clean and orderly when the evaluation is performed. In such cases, a qualified professional will come to your home and evaluate the environment for the best interest of the child. If you have been ordered into supervised visitation because of drugs or alcohol, it is imperative that these items not be sitting around the home when a social worker is performing his/her evaluation, in order to not suggest an invalid conclusion.
Keep your child support current. If the supervised visitation is placing a financial strain on you ability to pay child support, have an attorney address modifying your child support in a Motion to Modify. It is counterproductive to request unsupervised visitation if you are not current in your financial responsibility toward your child.
Supervised Visitation in Texas – Part 1
Former spouses often use informal visitation arrangements as an opportunity to assault, harass, stalk, and emotional abuse their children and former partners. In addition, some parents will use their children as a means to hurt the other parent by denying access to the child(ren) even though such access has been ordered by the court, i.e. failing to be at home during scheduled visitation periods, failing to bring the child(ren) to a scheduled location for the other parent to exercise their court ordered visitation, faking illness, etc.
Supervised visitation takes place between the non-custodial parent and his or her child(ren) in the presence of a third party who observes the visit to ensure the child’s physical and emotional safety. Though sometimes reasonably and successfully ordered, visits voluntarily supervised by friends and family in their homes can be fraught with danger for the child and parent, as well as the monitor, especially in cases of domestic violence. Family members may trust the parent whose visits are being supervised and therefore may not take proper or sufficient measures to assure the child(ren) are watched or monitored at all times during the visit.
Consequently, when supervision is indicated, possession/visitation supervised by a neutral third party with the capacity to enforce effective safety measures is normally ordered and enforced by the courts. The expenses of such supervision are often excessive and may in themselves create a detriment to possession by a parent. Such agencies may also provide reports and recommendations to the court based on the success or failure of the supervised visits. Such recommendations assist the courts in making informed decisions regarding supervision and whether continued supervision in the best interest of the child(ren).
If supervised visitation is requested, some type of compelling reason and evidence, based on the circumstances surrounding the child(ren) must normally be established. Such evidence may include denial of access, drug addiction, mental or physical abuse, neglect, or severe mental illness of a parent. The following is a potential list of acts and/or circumstances that may be considered contrary to a child’s best interest.
• Violence or physical endangerment – A noncustodial parent may be denied visitation rights if the parent has abused the child or threatened physical violence.
• Emotional harm – Where sufficient proof is offered of potential emotional harm or that standard visitation has detrimentally affected a child’s welfare, supervised visitation may be ordered.
• Child’s wishes – A court may consider the child’s wishes as to visitation. The weight given to a child’s preference is dependent on the child’s age, emotional stability, maturity and motives.
• Abduction – There must be a showing that there is a strong imminent probability of abduction to limit visitation on this basis.
• Substance abuse – A parent who abuses drugs or alcohol may be ordered to supervised visitation restrictions if the conduct endangers the child or if the parent uses abusive language and/or mistreats the child.
• Mental illness –Mental incapacity may be a reason for supervised visitation only if it is determined by the court that there is a reasonable potential for harm to the child due to such mental illness.
• Sexual behavior – Courts rarely deny visitation solely on the basis of a non-marital heterosexual relationship. Courts will, however, cancel overnight visitation by a child with a parent because of the parent’s cohabitation on a showing of an adverse and material negative impact on the child.
• Incarceration – Visitations due to incarceration may be suspended only on a showing that such visits are detrimental to the child.
To have more of your questions answered on supervised visitation in Texas, or for answers to any other Texas child custody concerns you may have, call Dallas Divorce attorney Mark Nacol of the Nacol Law Firm P.C.
ADOPTION IN TEXAS – Who May Adopt and Be Adopted.
(a) Subject to the requirements for standing to sue under Chapter 102 of the Texas Family Code, an adult may petition to adopt a child who may be adopted.
(b) A child residing in Texas may be adopted if:
(1) the parent-child relationship as to each living parent of the child has been terminated or a suit for termination is joined with the suit for adoption;
(2) the parent whose rights have not been terminated is presently the spouse of the petitioner and the proceeding is for a stepparent adoption;
(3) the child is at least two years old, the parent-child relationship has been terminated with respect to one parent, the person seeking the adoption has been a managing conservator or has had actual care, possession, and control of the child for a period of six months preceding the adoption or is the child’s former stepparent, and the nonterminated parent consents to the adoption; or
(4) the child is at least two years old, the parent-child relationship has been terminated with respect to one parent, and the person seeking the adoption is the child’s former stepparent and has been a managing conservator or has had actual care, possession, and control of the child for a period of one year preceding the adoption.
(c) If an affidavit of relinquishment of parental rights contains a consent for the Department of Protective and Regulatory Services or a licensed child-placing agency to place the child for adoption and appoints the department or agency managing conservator of the child, further consent by the parent is not required and the adoption order shall terminate all rights of the parent without further termination proceedings.
Prerequisite to Filing Petition for Adoption
Texas Family Code Sec. 162.002 states:
(a) If a petitioner is married, both spouses must join in the petition for adoption.
(b) A petition in a suit for adoption or a suit for appointment of a nonparent managing conservator with authority to consent to adoption of a child must include:
(1) a verified allegation that there has been compliance with Subchapter B ; or
(2) if there has not been compliance with Subchapter B, a verified statement of the particular reasons for noncompliance.
Pre-adoptive and Post-placement Social Studies
In a suit for adoption, pre-adoptive and post-placement social studies must be conducted as provided in Chapter 107 of the Texas Family Code.
Preferential Setting
The court shall grant a motion for a preferential setting for a final hearing on an adoption and shall give precedence to that hearing over all other civil cases not given preference by other law if the social study has been filed and the criminal history for the person seeking to adopt the child has been obtained.
Preparation of Health, Social, Educational, and Genetic History Report
(a) This section does not apply to an adoption by the child’s:
(1) grandparent;
(2) aunt or uncle by birth, marriage, or prior adoption; or
(3) stepparent.
(b) Before placing a child for adoption, the Department of Protective and Regulatory Services, a licensed child-placing agency, or the child’s parent or guardian shall compile a report on the available health, social, educational, and genetic history of the child to be adopted.
(c) The report shall include a history of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse suffered by the child, if any.
(d) If the child has been placed for adoption by a person or entity other than the department, a licensed child-placing agency, or the child’s parent or guardian, it is the duty of the person or entity who places the child for adoption to prepare the report.
(e) The person or entity who places the child for adoption shall provide the prospective adoptive parents a copy of the report as early as practicable before the first meeting of the adoptive parents with the child. The copy of the report shall be edited to protect the identity of birth parents and their families.
(f) The department, licensed child-placing agency, parent, guardian, person, or entity who prepares and files the original report is required to furnish supplemental medical, psychological, and psychiatric information to the adoptive parents if that information becomes available and to file the supplemental information where the original report is filed. The supplemental information shall be retained for as long as the original report is required to be retained.
Contents of Health, Social, Educational, and Genetic History Report
(a) The health history of the child must include information about:
(1) the child’s health status at the time of placement;
(2) the child’s birth, neonatal, and other medical, psychological, psychiatric, and dental history information;
(3) a record of immunizations for the child; and
(4) the available results of medical, psychological, psychiatric, and dental examinations of the child.
(b) The social history of the child must include information, to the extent known, about past and existing relationships between the child and the child’s siblings, parents by birth, extended family, and other persons who have had physical possession of or legal access to the child.
(c) The educational history of the child must include, to the extent known, information about:
(1) the enrollment and performance of the child in educational institutions;
(2) results of educational testing and standardized tests for the child; and
(3) special educational needs, if any, of the child.
(d) The genetic history of the child must include a description of the child’s parents by birth and their parents, any other child born to either of the child’s parents, and extended family members and must include, to the extent the information is available, information about:
(1) their health and medical history, including any genetic diseases and disorders;
(2) their health status at the time of placement;
(3) the cause of and their age at death;
(4) their height, weight, and eye and hair color;
(5) their nationality and ethnic background;
(6) their general levels of educational and professional achievements, if any;
(7) their religious backgrounds, if any;
(8) any psychological, psychiatric, or social evaluations, including the date of the evaluation, any diagnosis, and a summary of any findings;
(9) any criminal conviction records relating to a misdemeanor or felony classified as an offense against the person or family or public indecency or a felony violation of a statute intended to control the possession or distribution of a substance included in Chapter 481, Health and Safety Code; and
(10) any information necessary to determine whether the child is entitled to or otherwise eligible for state or federal financial, medical, or other assistance.
Filing of Health, Social, Educational, and Genetic History Report
(a) This section does not apply to an adoption by the child’s:
(1) grandparent;
(2) aunt or uncle by birth, marriage, or prior adoption; or
(3) stepparent.
(b) A petition for adoption may not be granted until the following documents have been filed:
(1) a copy of the health, social, educational, and genetic history report signed by the child’s adoptive
parents; and
(2) if the report is required to be submitted to the bureau of vital statistics under Section 162.006(e), a
certificate from the bureau acknowledging receipt of the report.
(c) A court having jurisdiction of a suit affecting the parent-child relationship may by order waive the making and filing of a report under this section if the child’s biological parents cannot be located and their absence results in insufficient information being available to compile the report.
Criminal History Report Required
(a) In a suit affecting the parent-child relationship in which an adoption is sought, the court shall order each person seeking to adopt the child to obtain that person’s own criminal history record information. The court shall accept under this section a person’s criminal history record information that is provided by the Department of Protective and Regulatory Services or by a licensed child-placing agency that received the information from the department if the information was obtained not more than one year before the date the court ordered the history to be obtained.
(b) A person required to obtain information under Subsection (a) shall obtain the information in the manner provided by Section 411.128, Government Code.
Residence with Petitioner.
(a) The court may not grant an adoption until the child has resided with the petitioner for not less than six months.
(b) On request of the petitioner, the court may waive the residence requirement if the waiver is in the best interest of the child.
Consent Required
(a) Unless the managing conservator is the petitioner, the written consent of a managing conservator to the adoption must be filed. The court may waive the requirement of consent by the managing conservator if the court finds that the consent is being refused or has been revoked without good cause. A hearing on the issue of consent shall be conducted by the court without a jury.
(b) If a parent of the child is presently the spouse of the petitioner, that parent must join in the petition for adoption and further consent of that parent is not required.
(c) A child 12 years of age or older must consent to the adoption in writing or in court. The court may waive this requirement if it would serve the child’s best interest.
Revocation of Consent
At any time before an order granting the adoption of the child is rendered, a consent required by Section 162.010 may be revoked by filing a signed revocation.
Attendance at Hearing Required
(a) If the joint petitioners are husband and wife and it would be unduly difficult for one of the petitioners to appear at the hearing, the court may waive the attendance of that petitioner if the other spouse is present.
(b) A child to be adopted who is 12 years of age or older shall attend the hearing. The court may waive this requirement in the best interest of the child.
Sec. 162.015. RACE OR ETHNICITY.
(a) In determining the best interest of the child, the court may not deny or delay the adoption or otherwise discriminate on the basis of race or ethnicity of the child or the prospective adoptive parents.
(b) This section does not apply to a person, entity, tribe, organization, or child custody proceeding subject to the Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978
Adoption Order
(a) If a petition requesting termination has been joined with a petition requesting adoption, the court shall also terminate the parent-child relationship at the same time the adoption order is rendered. The court must make separate findings that the termination is in the best interest of the child and that the adoption is in the best interest of the child.
(b) If the court finds that the requirements for adoption have been met and the adoption is in the best interest of the child, the court shall grant the adoption.
(c) The name of the child may be changed in the order if requested.
Effect of Adoption
(a) An order of adoption creates the parent-child relationship between the adoptive parent and the child for all purposes.
(b) An adopted child is entitled to inherit from and through the child’s adoptive parents as though the child were the biological child of the parents.
(c) The terms “child,” “descendant,” “issue,” and other terms indicating the relationship of parent and child include an adopted child unless the context or express language clearly indicates otherwise.
(d) Nothing in this chapter precludes or affects the rights of a biological or adoptive maternal or paternal grandparent to reasonable possession of or access to a grandchild, as provided in Chapter 153.
NACOL LAW FIRM P.C.
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Dallas, Texas 75231
972-690-3333
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Attorney Mark A. Nacol is board certified in Civil Trial Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization
