Serious Signs That you May Be Headed Toward a Divorce
When the warning signs of a fractured relationship with your spouse have been surfacing for quite a while, many people are still caught off guard when their spouse asks for “The Divorce”. Although the husband may cause marriage problems, about 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife.
Usually one spouse is in shock/denial and may want to truly try to salvage the marriage. At times a spouse will try to blame the other spouse of being a quitter for wanting to be legally released from an unacceptable marriage. Often the non-initiating spouse is at the point where it is a relief that “The Divorce” question has surfaced and will readily agree that divorce is the right option.
Marriage and family is not an easy proposition at times and sometimes it is easier to just say goodbye and return to single life. But if you truly love your spouse and family you should look at the warning signs and try to change the direction of the marriage. Every relationship has its up and downs and needs new considerations at times. Take time to review your relationship and catch early warning signs that the marriage may be running off its tracks.
What are some serious signs that you and your spouse could be headed for a DIVORCE?
- Spouse interaction is more negative than positive: Marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman researched the negative/positive effect and found that stable marriages have 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict. Whereas unstable marriages have .8:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict (Gottman & Levenson 1999). The acceleration of verbal criticism, nagging, and sarcasm in a relationship can be a definite sign that there is trouble in the marriage.
- Stonewalling when “you can’t break down the wall”: Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate through body language or verbally shutting down when a situation with your spouse gets out of control and you don’t know how to handle the situation. This is very serious and may be the time to bring in a marriage counselor to help work through this problem.
- No Conflict Resolution: Marriage researcher, John Gottman, states that the lack of communication isn’t the marriage breaker but the lack of effective conflict resolution. This is a very serious problem when couples can’t reasonably work out their differences without causing injury to their relationship and finally quit communicating with each other to avoid more disagreement and conflict.
Other times one spouse or both have reached the point where every conflict has become a situation that must be “won” by bullying the other spouse into submission. There must be a “winner” but with this win comes mutual loss of respect, increasing distance and eventual withdrawal from the relationship. - Emotional and Physical Disengagement and Disaffection: When couples can’t communicate, they will find different avenues for emotional engagements. Many neglected spouses will look out of the marriage at other values or priorities that helps them feel connected. A new religion, lifestyle, or job opportunity that the other spouse would never agree with can now be a reality for them.
Emotional Disengagement is usually accompanied by withdrawal of affection. Couples in a divorce situation consider themselves “fallen out of love” with their spouse. - Sudden Change in Behavior? Has your partner suddenly started caring more about their appearance and spending more time “away from” home. Or more time is spent with their children and instead of “our marriage” everything is centered around “our children”?
Has your sex life disappeared? This is a good indicator that your emotional disengagement is advancing steadily and the spouses take no pleasure in each other. These are serious signals of rapidly eroding bonds in your marriage if not in a terminal state. - Preparation for the “Single Life”: As people get tired of dealing with each other and the total indifference of the relationship, they will start living parallel lives and finally dissolve their personal relationship. Many couples heading for divorce will take up new habits and friends that differ from their spouses. New social networks will be centered around a single lifestyle.
Sounds like your current life with your spouse? DON’T GIVE UP YET! IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO SALVAGE A FADING MARRIAGE! If people will realize that a marriage is not perfect and there will be conflict a certain percentage of time. Concentrate on working out a solution together to have a positive, loving relationship that can withstand the bad times. Just Remember: there was some spark that drew you to your spouse. Try to find it again or divorce.
Out of State Child Relocation and the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA)
In today’s hectic pace, moving to another state for business, family demands, or pleasure is a very common occurrence. But what about the family that is separated by divorce or separation and share custody of their children? What happens to this family situation when Mom or Dad decides to take another job or wants to move to another state and take the children to or from the other? A Child Custody Relocation Case?
Sadly this happens frequently. Most Texas attorneys employ a geographic restriction in divorce decrees for couples who have children. These restrictions dictate that the Child and Custodial Parent must live within a school district, County of Domicile, or consecutive contingent counties near the non-custodial parent. But what happens if this restriction clause is not contained in the divorce decree or if Dad/Mom were never married?
Forty Nine States, including Texas have adopted the UNIFORM CHILD CUSTODY JURISDICTION AND ENFORCEMENT ACT (UCCJEA) drafted by the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws in 1997. The UCCJEA is a very helpful law since all states but one participate in the determination of the ”HOME STATE” and which jurisdiction will handle the family case. UCCJEA also helps to protect non-custodial Parents fighting for child custody out of state when their children have been moved to another state or over 100 miles away from them.
How does The State of Texas treat an initial Child Custody determination?
Texas Family Code 152.201 of the UCCJEA states, among other things, that a court may consider custody issues if the Child:
*Has continually lived in the state for 6 months or longer and Texas was the home state of the child within six months before the commencement of the legal proceeding.
*Was living in the state before being wrongfully abducted elsewhere by a parent seeking custody in another state. One parent continues to live in Texas.
*Has an established over significant time relationships with people (family, relatives or teachers), ties, and attachments in the state
*Has been abandoned in an emergency: or is safe in the current state, but could be in danger of neglect or abuse in the home state
Relocation is a child custody situation which will turn on the individual facts of the specific case, so that each case is tried on its own merits.
Most child custody relocation cases tried in Texas follow a predictable course:
- Allowing or not allowing the move.
- Order of psychological evaluations or social studies of family members
- Modification of custody and adjusting of child’s time spent with parents
- Adjusting child support
- Order of mediation to settle dispute
- Allocating transportation costs
- Order opposing parties to provide all information on child’s addresses and telephone number.
There is another important cause of action in Texas where the court will “take “EMERGENCY JURISDICTION’ over a case even though another state has the original jurisdiction. If the opposing party can prove that a legitimate emergency exists and Texas needs to assume the jurisdiction. These emergency situations could be abuse of the child, abandonment or cause neglect of the child, or any action that would put the child in immediate harm’s way.
The Nacol Law Firm P.C. @ www.nacollawfirm.com is committed to helping parents have the right to have frequent and continuing contact with their child at all times and encourage parents to co-share in the rights and duties of raising a stable, loving child. Many times, because of parental alienation or other personal factors, a child will be taken away from the non-custodial parent and this can cause some serious mental and behavior problems for the child which could follow her/him into a lifetime adult situation.
Sometimes you can settle, SOMETIMES YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT! We can help!
Unique Possession Orders in Texas
Many professions create impositions on conservators making a standard possession order inapplicable and unworkable. The Court may deviate from a standard possession order if the order is inappropriate or unworkable in reference to the schedules of both the conservators and the child. Unique professions and irregular school schedules for children allow the Court to have flexibility to deviate from a standard possession order that is in the Best Interest of the Child. There are multiple ways in which the Court may depart from a standard possession order to fulfill the needs of all parties involved with the custody of the child.
First, the Family Code § 153.254 states that the Court will be allowed deference to modify the standard possession order if work schedules of either conservators or the school schedule of the child is irregular. The Court must attempt to narrowly tailor the modifications to keep the new possession order as similar to the standard possession order as possible. This instance most commonly occurs when the Managing Conservator and the Possessory Conservator cannot reach an agreement and one of the two Conservators has a unique profession such as a firefighter, police officer, or airline pilot. The working hours of these jobs allow the Court to modify the standard possession order even if both of the parties do not comply with the changes. The modifications must be made only if it is in the Best Interest of the Child.
Secondly, the standard possession order may always be modified if it is by the mutual agreement of both the Managing Conservator and Possessory Conservator. Family Code § 153.007 is the Agreed Parenting Plan Statute and allows for both parties to agree on a standard possession order for the child. This statute was passed to promote amicability in settlement for child custody issues and to give flexibility to the parents if they are willing to agree on custody terms. The Agreed Parenting Plan must be in the Best Interest of the Child for the Court to approve. If the Court grants the Agreed Parenting Plan then the Managing or Possessory Conservator will have a remedy as a matter of law for any violation of the agreement committed by either party.
Finally, both Conservators may enter into a Mediated Settlement Agreement under Family Code § 153.0071. A Mediated Settlement Agreement is the only time in which the Court will NOT look at the Best Interest of the Child when granting the custody agreement.
The Mediated Settlement Agreement § 153.0071 must be:
- In bold, underlined, and capital letters that the agreement is NOT REVOCABLE
- Signed by Both Parties to the agreement
- Signed by the lawyers (if represented) of each party
The Mediated Settlement Agreement is binding and not revocable so if the Conservators wish to go this route they must understand that what is in the agreement will be held as binding. This method can be used to modify or change a standard possession order and the Court will not look at the Best Interest of the Child regarding the agreement, unless there exists a credible threat of domestic violence.
These are the methods in which a unique possession order may be obtained to accommodate irregular schedules or working hours of both the conservators. Any possession order must be correctly drafted and all future contingencies must be accounted for. An experienced lawyer must be contacted to safeguard an individual’s custody rights of their children and to make sure that a fair custody arrangement is obtained.
Recurring Wrongful Conduct : Violations of Holiday Visitation Access
The holidays can be very frustrating times for both spouses when undergoing divorce proceedings that involve custody issues with children and one spouse acts in bad faith or arbitrarily. If a spouse violates a temporary custody order, he or she may not face consequences at the time but must explain their actions to a district judge in the future.
If a temporary custody order describes in detail the periods of possession during the Christmas holiday, the order is binding on both spouses. The temporary custody order is binding civilly and NOT criminally per se. This is an important distinction to understand before you decide to call the police. Family law matters, with notable exceptions such as domestic violence and protective orders, are generally governed in civil and not criminal courts. Because temporary custody orders involving children are governed by civil courts, a police officer has no immediate basis to enforce the civil order.
If your spouse refuses to release your child to you at the prescribed time mandated in the temporary custody order, there are certain things that you should do to insure this wrongful conduct properly is documented for future civil contempt proceedings.
- Call the police!!! Many police departments will not respond because temporary custody orders are not criminally enforceable, but if the police department decides to respond then you may request a police report to be filed noting that your spouse deliberately violated the temporary custody order. This may be used in Court to persuade the judge to hold your spouse in civil contempt or validate your properly made demand for access in accordance with your temporary order.
- Save and preserve any text messages, emails, letters, or recorded phone calls that demonstrate and reaffirm your spouse’s refusal to deliver your children into your custody during the holiday or other allotted time in your visitation order.
- Call your attorney and notify him of your spouse’s refusal to deliver the children to you.
- Do not be tricked or cohered into a physical confrontation with your soon to be ex-spouse!!!
By completing these four tasks you will be gathering and preserving evidence to hold your spouse in civil contempt of Court. After the Christmas Holiday season or other access periods are over, your lawyer with your consent will file a motion to hold your spouse in contempt of Court for violation of the temporary custody order. If your spouse is found in civil contempt of Court, he or she may be fined, ordered to jail for up to 180 days until the fine and attorney fees are paid, and the violation may be a solid basis to favorably modify the previous temporary custody orders. Such rulings are at the judge’s discretion.
Though you may feel helpless at the time, justice may be achieved through the District Courts in the form of civil or contempt sanctions. Judges usually look down on a spouse that blatantly violates temporary custody orders especially during Christmas or other special holidays. Just relax and be patience if your spouse refuses to deliver the children to you and document the conduct. Justice may take time but in the end, it is usually affirmed.
Julian Nacol, attorney
The Nacol Law Firm P.C.
8144 Walnut Hill Lane
Suite 1190
Dallas, Texas 75231
(972) 690-3333
Child Custody: Staying Close to Your Kids
When a custody lawsuit commences, parents need to be thinking primarily about what is in the best interest of the child(ren). The needs and rights of the child(ren) are of paramount importance in a child custody case and the court’s primary focus.
In accordance with Section 153.002 of the Texas Family Code, parents are ordinarily considered to be equal in their right to parent their child(ren). It is the best interests of the child(ren) that are paramount, and the aim of the Texas Family Code is to:
1. Assure that child(ren) will have frequent and continuing contact with parents who have shown the ability to act in the best interest of the child(ren);
2. Provide a safe, stable, and non-violent environment for the child(ren); and
3. Encourage parents to share in the rights and duties of raising their child(ren) after the parents have separated or dissolved their marriage. If you are a parent who is preparing for a custody battle, you would do well to make this your primary goal throughout the litigation.
Vengeful parents often engage in destructive conduct by trying to move out of state in an attempt to separate the child(ren) geographically from the non-custodial parent. If vengeance is the custodial parent’s primary motive, this has many benefits: it becomes more difficult for the non-custodial parent to exercise visitation, and at the same time makes it more difficult (and expensive) for the non-custodial parent to seek relief through the courts for denied visitation or other wrongful acts by the custodial parent. A move-away, depending upon distance, can also isolate the child(ren) from the non-custodial parent. If you suspect your spouse may do this, you need to be prepared and act proactively. A key item to have incorporated into final paperwork is an “anti-move-away” clause. Essentially, this states that if the custodial parent moves more than a certain number of miles away, custody changes to the remaining parent and/or restricting the permanent domicile of the child(ren) to designated counties.
Stay meaningfully involved in your child(ren)’s lives on a regular and continuing basis. Being heavily involved with your child(ren) for very short periods of time will not bring favor in the eyes of the court.
Keep a detailed record or diary of the details of how much you have been involved with your child(ren)’s school and extracurricular activities. Attend school meetings. Take pictures. Schedule family vacations. Visit relatives and friends and schedule sleepovers with your child(ren)’s peers. Take your child(ren) to the dentist and the doctor. Don’t spoil your child(ren), reasonably discipline your child(ren) when necessary and document why you took such action. Take advantage of extra time extended you by your spouse and try to extend visitation when possible if only for a couple of hours. Initiate and support birthdays, school activities, and college requirements. Document all relevant case issues and facts.
Keep in mind that your child(ren) are not equipped to deal with the range of emotions experienced by an adult, and that ventilating your personal difficulties on them is not only unhelpful, but can be a form of abuse and can create lasting emotional scars and is viewed with disfavor in the courthouse.
Parents preparing for custody cases before the court in Texas must be mindful of the extraordinary damage they can do when denigrating the other spouse in front of their child(ren). Such behavior is not only damaging to the child(ren), but may and usually will, be taken into consideration by the court. A noticeable failure to maintain self-control may be considered an indicator of an inability to parent.
If you can remain involved in your child(ren)’s lives enough to find out how his or her relationship is with your former spouse, you may be able to build a better case to show the court you are the better custodial parent, and in the meantime productively provide for your child(ren) in his or her best interest.
NACOL LAW FIRM P.C.
8144 Walnut Hill Lane
Suite 1190
Dallas, Texas 75231
972-690-3333
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Attorney Mark A. Nacol is board certified in Civil Trial Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization
